The habits we lay down for ourselves really shape our families to come.
Even though we know our mind and resolve to give the power of choice we know that in some things our children will fail.
Fail to open the cereal box. Can’t get on the Lego piece. They have trouble getting on the shoe themselves or the sock heel in the right place. The interesting thing is that although these are simple tasks to do, they are really big building blocks for us and our little ones.These things are really play that matters.
How?
We are learning how to respond to each situation. As with all habits, we revert to what we remember or see around us unless we on purpose choose a different path.
They are learning how to do things. Their success or failure , at the task, often can be directly linked to what we or others say to them. We just don’t take the time to look.
We’ve talked earlier in the series about our voice and tone. Today we’re talking about sincerity and praise.
Tariq pulls at his top. It’s partially over his head. His arm is lost inside and he’s fighting to get his head out.
Tariq is three and independent. He wants to do it all. He can’t always but he wants to.
This is where habits come in.
Perhaps start with a little humor to diffuse the frustration.
Share how to do it step by step for the first few moves only.
State what he’s doing without praise
Find a way of congratulating him in ways other than verbal praise for everything.
As parents we get this long run up at praise/rewards and coaching/encouraging. We practice it everyday. Our children hear it or families model it. It’s not until they are older past the under 5 stage that we really see the effect of our words and practice.
Children need to have intrinsic motivation. That small voice inside needs to be strong and encouraging because we all hear that voice of doubt really clearly. We have to be mindful of how we use praise and rewards as well as when to intentionally coach and encourage.
If children lack ambition, they won’t keep striving to become more than they are today. As a result they won’t develop self-respect, because they haven’t experienced the confidence that comes from setting a goals and achieving it through hard work and perseverance.
If parents only tell their kids how wonderful and beautiful and smart they are, their children will grow up believing it and also expecting the world to tell them the same thing. Rather than doing things out of a healthy, internal motivation of self-respect or concern for others, these kids are motivated by what others think of them. They want to be in the limelight, and when they aren’t they get confused and don’t know what to do.
It’s not difficult to see that the habits, expressions and behaviour we model in these early years impacts them as they are older. We deal with the consequences as they start to see through our false praise when we’re really trying to encourage them. They feel upset and often can’t put into words why they feel the way they do and can’t really express it to us.
So why don’t we encourage and coach more and praise less?
Here are a few ways we’ve intentionally tried to counteract the tic of “Good Job”
Banned the word for a day coming from all adults in the house and see if we can say something else. (It’s harder than you think!)
found alternatives to “Good Job” that expressed what they did good at.
Found some substitute sentences that didn’t have “Good Job”
Asked questions about the situation if they failed.
Lots of empathy and how they felt about the positive or negative situation.
I don’t believe for one moment there is one way to parent or raise a more playful tot. This series is here to help us examine ourselves and see what’s working, prod us a bit, alert us to other ways of thinking and generally find a way that will work for our family that allow us all to succeed. Like with many things, there will be swings one way and then to the other until we find what works for our family. Don’t let those swings discourage you.
Anyone else struggle like we do with finding the right words to say that encourage without blanket praise? What things do you do?
This post is also part of
I’d love some encouragement.
Click here to read the rest of the posts in the series, 31 Days to a more Playful Tot.
If I asked you what type of parenting style do you support with play. What would you say?
It wasn’t until I was in a different country in a totally diferent situation did I realise that I my idea of play was different. It was then I wondered am I doing it right?
We don’t all move. We often have the same friends and same circles.
Is there a right way to play? If there is, who do I listen to? What about my family and individualism?
Knowing your own mind takes time to develop. We come with all the baggage of our childhood and family relationships. Now we have a playful tot to raise and lots of decisions to make on important issues like TV time, electronic media, mobile media, organic toys, wooden toys, plastic toys, Montessori, Waldorf, classes, playgroups, the list goes on. Our mind isn’t just made up on all issues- just like that.
How do you develop your mind so you don’t just follow the crowd?
Go to trusted sources. You have to decide who they are.
Accept advice as just that advice- what worked for them may or maynot work for you.
Try new things
Share your ideas. Other people see things you may not see.
Have encouraging and supportive friends
Your children will make you cry and despair but they have the capacity to make you laugh and weep with joy if we create opportunities for that to happen more than once in a while.
Accept and reject things as the season changes in your family
Create plans.
Educate yourself in the areas you lack
Beware of bandwagons
Ask questions…..ruminate on ideas….feel free to adapt, transform or drop ideas….after careful thought.
Find and talk to people who have been there before you. It’s amazing how much perspective they will give you.
observe families who you admire. Try out what they are doing.
Sometimes you need to take a break and focus on other things like your marriage, home, work, career, goals, dreams or ambitions. Not just your kids will thank you for it.
Parenting is not a competition. Some are further along than I am. I’ll be further along than someone else.
Everyone has problems. No one is perfect
Discuss your ideas, opinions and direction with your spouse, friends and family- they know you and will often give you interesting advice ( some good and some not so good)
It’s okay to be different. Different isn’t automatically bad or good.
Have thought provoking twitter and facebook friends. They will challenge you in good ways.
Grow
Remember that sticking your head in the sand doesn’t work there has to be another way.
Encourage people who try things out- they are actively working on knowing their mind ( You can learn from their successes and failures)
Compare yourself less to those around you. Some comparison is good but be careful
We don’t need to know all the answers and get it right the first time. We can let many things just go and roll with it,however we have to decide which ones we do intentionally.
I’m working on No.21 this year. What about you I’m curious?
What are you doing to ‘know your mind’ on issues in 2012?
Are there any areas you find the hardest to do?
Click here to read the rest of the posts in the series, 31 Days to a more Playful Tot.
Every now and then I’m reminded about how I need to give my son’s choices.
Choices that I can live with. Not any old choice.
I eagerly absorbed the principles and practises of Love and Logic, after attending a course in 2004. The power of choice seemed like a really good idea. I felt I was ahead of the curve. It worked.
Our next child threw us the curve ball and now we looked at 123 Magic. We now had a mix of ideas. I was glad for the different ideas as it made me think. There you go made me think so I needed to make sure that if I wanted to raise thinking children I needed to give them opportunities to make them think.
This is not new. None of us like to be told what to do all the time. However in our time pressured society we just don’t have the time, usually to give choices. I’ve talked about our walk to Nursery and how I needed to slow down and effectively smell the coffee. Today I want to talk about how the power of questions can really change your children’s outlook.
The biggest battle of wills
They don’t want to do or have what you are offering because you are only telling them. With their new voice, No is the best word in the world. They see the power. We need to give them chance to say, Yes!
Love and Logic, if I remember rightly, encourage as many choices as you can. We never thought that made total sense for our family.Partly because we’re just not able to think of at least two choices for everything we want to do at the time. You have to think carefully.
Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red shirt here?
Neither shirt is a problem to you.
They are more playful when they feel like they’ve had a say in their environment. So are we. It involved a change of mindset for us to think this way constantly.
Oatmeal or cereal? OJ or milk? This book or that book?
Learning can be either passive or active. Passive learning is when the parent is responsible for all learning conditions. Parents direct and children comply. Passive learning is easier for parents to do than active learning, but less beneficial for children….. Active learning is not only more exciting for children but usually results in better intellectual development
It starts simply with things like choosing which socks, and even this can seem like a hassle but they really love it. It’s part of the power we can give away. It continues with choices about food and learning how to express preference clearly and nicely, whether they be negative, neutral or positive. It continues with dinner games and question cards and leads to full discussions and learning about our children.
Communicating our values
Values are communicated and if we don’t’ hear what our children are thinking we have no chance of communicating our values to them in a way that they’ll be able to take on new information and make good choices about to do with these thoughts. I’m sure you’ve had the experience that what came out of your mouth was alien to what you thought you’d ever really say or even believe. But in the saying you realized it and perhaps changed or did something about it.
Yesterday we were reviewing our chore list for the umpteenth time. I want it to work. They want it to work. It breaks down regularly. After listening to a show about entitlement I decided to battle the chore problem yet again.
This time I added a time element….. It boiled down to having three chores and them deciding when to do them. Immediately they both sussed they didn’t need to do each chore each day. They had to decide when they would do it, how often etc. They asked me a lot of questions. Do I expect they will be perfect? No. But here’s a great opportunity to try out their decision-making process.
Last evening, over dinner, I asked how their chores went for the day. Proudly the oldest gave me his reasoning of why he’s decided to do his that way. His middle brother was listening. The middle one gave his very different version. I was able to ask how did it work for you? ( In true Dr Phil fashion!) We had an interesting dialogue about the struggles and they asked and each gave different answers.
Decision- making and the power of questions
At that moment, for the briefest of time, it didn’t matter if they had done the chores. Here they were actively discussing decision-making; the pitfalls of their brother’s ideas and congratulating them on what they did. I loved the process. The chores, to be honest were executed pretty well but they are a long work in progress.
It’s not always like this but I really believe the foundation of choices and active learning helps them to make decisions. They know we have each others back and we’re not afraid with our advice if we’re not sure.
How do you translate the power of questions into your family?
Click here to read the rest of the posts in the series, 31 Days to a more Playful Tot.
Our task is to educate their whole being, so they can face this future. …..Our job is to help them make something of it.
Taken from the below TED talk.
Today I’ve got some inspiration for you. This video of a TED talk is about 20 minutes and well worth it.
Sir Ken Robinson really nails it with his talk about creativity. To me creativity and curiosity are very closely linked.
Come to the site to view the video.
If you can’t see the video below view it here
Click here to read the rest of the posts in the series, 31 Days to a more Playful Tot.
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:: Jill Rigby
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